Here I am again, pouring my soul onto these words, because I have nowhere else to bring this weight, nowhere else to show the brokenness I often try to hide. I know You are here. I know You feel my emotions as these words I’m writing flow. I know You see me silently weeping, and You feel the heaviness pressed so deep within my heart. You know how many times I’ve wished to disappear, not because I truly want to be gone. The truth is, I long to be found. I long to be heard. I long to be understood. I long to be loved. To be embraced in a way that makes the broken little girl inside me finally breathe in peace. Abba Father, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for my flaws, my shortcomings and the ways I’ve hurt You.
Abba Father, I know I am not deserving, yet right now, if I may, may I ask You for something? Not for others, but for myself this time. May I ask Your will concerning marriage?
Abba Father, You know my heart. You know that marriage is not my idol, nor is it the source of my worth. For above all else, You are my first love, my top priority, the One I long to honor with every breath that I have. But still, I come before You, asking for Your will in this part of my life. I don’t want to step outside of Your plan, Abba Father. I don’t want to force a story You never wrote for me.
I don’t want marriage just because the world says it’s time, because so many my age, and even younger, are already walking down that aisle. I don’t want marriage just to fill an empty space, or to soothe the ache of loneliness, or to have companionship for its own sake. No, Abba Father. My heart pleads for something more sacred, more eternal. If I am to marry, let it be only because You have chosen it for me. Let it be because You have written a story that reflects Your love. Let my marriage become a vessel for Your glory. A place where my future husband and I can point to Jesus Christ, where our lives together testify of the Holy Spirit’s power and presence. Let it be a union orchestrated by You alone, so that even before we meet, and long after we are joined, our story will always tell of You.. of how good You are, how faithful You’ve always been.
Abba Father, if I may…
May I ask for a future husband who feels like home? Someone whose love carries the gentleness of Jesus Christ, someone whose presence reflects You so deeply that I can feel Your nearness through him.
Lord, You alone know the story of my life. You have seen every chapter.. every wound.. every scar.. and every tear. I may be 32 now, but inside me still lives the broken, wounded child who longs to be safe, to be held, to be loved without fear and reservation. And You were there… You saw it all.
You saw me as that little girl of five, trembling in silence as my parents fought, too afraid to speak, too small to protect myself and my Mama, watching Papa threatened Mama with a knife. Though, I have long forgiven him and love him dearly, pieces of that night still live in me.
You remember when I was in third grade, how Papa’s drunken anger forced us into the darkness, running barefoot, hiding in the woods nearby just to escape the storm of his rage. And You remember the rainy night when I was twelve, when his anger rose again, and I ran through the rain to my uncle’s house, desperate for help. And You saw me in high school, Abba Father. You saw my heart break as Papa dragged Mama across the floor during another fight. By the time I was in my third year, I dreaded the months of August through November, because I knew the pattern. I knew there would be pain.
And it hurt me so deeply, because I loved them both more than words could ever say. I knew Papa carried his own brokenness too, his own inner child who had been wounded in ways I will never fully know. Even then, even through the fear, I loved him. I always loved him. But those nights carved something deep in me. At such young age, they taught me to pray that I would never marry a man bound by drunkenness or vices. I knew too well the destruction they bring. I saw the way it crushed Mama, the way it scarred me, the way it wounded Papa himself. That is why, even under so much pressure, I waited. I chose not to marry just anyone, because I wanted to protect the child in me who could not protect herself back then.
And so, here I am, Abba Father, laying this desire at Your feet. I don’t ask for riches, I don’t ask for status. I only ask, if it is Your will, may I have a home this time? Not merely a house, but a true home. A place of safety, of peace, of laughter, of prayer. A place where I don’t need to flee at night out of fear. A place where love heals instead of wounds.
And if I must walk through fire before that day comes, if I must be molded, broken, refined, then let it be so, Abba Father. I will endure it, if only to be made ready to love well and to cherish the home You entrust to me. But only if You see fit. Only if You will it.
Here I am, Abba.. Your daughter. Still waiting. Still hoping. Still trusting.
And to you..
My Dearest Future Husband,
There are so many things I want to tell you, yet my heart knows it must wait for God’s perfect time. Until then, I write these words as a promise, a prayer, and a piece of my soul that belongs only to you. I’ve chosen to let go of anything that would block the flow of God’s living spring within me. I want to be a vessel of His light and His love, so that when our paths finally cross, I will be ready to love you with a heart shaped first by Him. With all I am, I cry out, “More of You, Lord! More of You in me, until I am full enough to pour into the one You have chosen for me.”
If I could imagine us now… You would be Abraham, and I would be Sara. Or you would be Isaac, and I would be Rebecca.. an answered prayer.
I am bone of your bone, flesh of your flesh. Made from your rib, Adam. And when we finally meet, it will be as though we’ve always known.. Like electrons drawn to their nucleus, Bound together in a way no one can divide. We’ll even speak the same heavenly math.. 1 + 1 + 1 = 3… yet in Him, it becomes 1.
You, my love, were created in His image, But with a heart that reflects, projects, and detects the Son. If I were to describe you, I’d say you look like a star. A son of the Son. Your light will warm me, strengthen me, And in your presence, I will bloom. Like a flower leaning toward its sun for photosynthesis
I wait for you with patience and hope, because even from Genesis, I was made to wait for you. And when you come, I will know you. Because when you speak, I will hear Solomon’s wisdom. Your leadership will echo Moses. Your faith will remind me of Abraham. Your confidence in God’s Word will reflect Daniel. Your courage will carry Paul’s inspiration. Your heart for God will beat like David’s. Your attention to detail will mirror Noah’s. Your integrity will shine like Joseph’s. Your surrender will remind me of the disciples. But most of all, your selfless and unconditional love will remind me of Christ Himself. I won’t need to search for signs in Matthew or Mark, Because His Word will be tatted all over your heart. And you will know me, and you will find me,
Where Esther’s boldness meets Ruth’s devotion. Where Lydia’s hospitality joins Mary’s gentle submission, And where Hannah’s prayers water the soil of my faith.
I will be the one drenched in Proverbs 31, waiting just for you.
Yet before I wait for you, I wait first for Him. To my Abba Father.. the One who formed me before I was born. I whisper, “Your will above mine.”
So even if my life is to be lived in singleness, I will remain content, because Jesus Christ has already loved me with the greatest love story ever told. He is my first love, my eternal bridegroom. My Judge and my Savior. And I am forever His witness. But if His will is for us to find each other, then I will hold your hand with joy. And I will walk with you in the love that He has written for us.
Until then, my beloved, forgive me…
Forgive me if in this earthly timeline, I tarry. Forgive me if there are broken pieces in me He is still mending. Forgive me if I wrestle with feeling unworthy of love, If I sometimes feel not enough. But know this, I am learning, healing, and surrendering.
Day by day, He shapes me, softens me, and prepares me. Though I may not be perfect, I trust that in His timing, I will be ready. Ready to be your partner, your helpmate, your encourager, your safe place also… and most especially, the keeper of your home.
I am waiting for you like a watchman, with hope and with love.
And when the day comes, I pray we’ll look at each other and know, Without doubt, without fear. This is the one my soul has prayed for.
Until that moment, I keep you close in prayer, and hold your name in the quiet places of my heart.
Forever waiting,
Forever yours,
W
“Someone might be able to beat up one of you, but not both of you. As the saying goes, “A rope made from three strands of cord is hard to break.” – Ecclesiastes 4:12, CEV