Date Originally Written: April 30, 2026
When I was younger, I dreamed of becoming a mom to two wonderful children, a girl and a boy. I loved the idea of taking care of adorable little ones. I was too drawn to the idea, not fully realizing that raising children in reality is far too different from what I had envisioned.
It was far more difficult than I ever thought. Providing for their needs and wants and trying to make ends meet while at the same time, giving them tender loving care, and yet being firm if needed.
My dream did come true, but slightly in a different context.
Yes, I became a Mom to my two biological children, but they never came from my own womb. I am a Mom of my niece and nephew, whom I treat as my own. I love them so much. When they’re very little, it’s more of a fun, taking good care of them and tending to their needs. As they grew older, discovering more about themselves and how they wanted to navigate through life. It’s a fair share of challenge and fun. It’s not easy dealing with a 7-year-old child throwing tantrums here and there every single day, and it gets unbearable at times, and a 12-year-old who is starting to rebel against us. Honestly, oftentimes, I truly don’t know how to handle them. I was never prepared to be a Mom, more so, taking responsibilities that were never mine to begin with.
I thought I had everything put altogether seeing how my parents raised me and putting into application what I’ve learned from them, but here’s the thing, what might have worked with me (e.g., corporal discipline, “a no is a no or else” concept) does not entail that it would also work with my children. It’s the opposite most of the time. There’s a generational gap between us. They don’t want to be told. They can’t be silenced even if they’re unreasonable. I tried to be so strict and firm, but it only made them not listen anymore. I truly don’t know what to do anymore sometimes. I know God is looking at us and listening to my silent plea, “I wish they would behave more.“
I love them so much. But sometimes, I wish it weren’t me placed in this situation, carrying responsibilities that were never originally mine, because deep down, I still feel like a child myself, just wrapped in a 32-year-old body. I am also figuring out life and need to be cared for and loved, just like they do. It’s challenging to say the least. My daughter does things behind my and my mother’s backs, and I would take it as betrayal sometimes, and definitely, it hurts. One of the things that we don’t want her to do for now is to have a boyfriend because she’s very young. But still, she resisted.
And just today, I’ve learned that she has been visiting an explicit website for quite some time now. A part of me was angry. She’s too young for these things. I wanted to be strict, and yet I wanted to understand where she’s coming from. I, together with my Mama, had a discussion about it with her. She was denying it. And yet the truth was too obvious to be silenced. I knew this would come, but I just never thought it would be this early.
I was already told to be prepared for this. To do more research, and I did my part to some extent. I was just waiting for the right timing to share with her about the intimacy of two souls. Talking about this in a culture as young as hers is indeed a taboo. My parents never got to talk to me about it back then. Being the one responsible for sharing insights about intimacy feels awkward, especially when I’m talking to a very young mind like my daughter’s.
But here we are…
Though I wanted to be angry and reprimand her as much as I wanted.
I wanted to extend grace towards her just like how Abba Father did towards us through Christ Jesus.
We are people with curious minds, which is why we often try to understand how things work, even to the point where we stumble and sin against God. Yet despite all of that, He still loves us the same.
Through Jesus Christ, we are forgiven, and He also guides us by giving us wisdom.
Deep down, I am still upset with what I discovered today. However, I want to love like Jesus. I want to love my children the way Jesus Christ loves us. I want to be more gracious, compassionate, and understanding, even when it hurts.
I want my children to feel loved even when they fall, and to know that they can always get back up again. It’s not easy to love like Jesus, but I believe it is possible if I keep my eyes fixed on Him.
In the grand scheme of things, I realize that I am also like my children, reckless at times, and in need of someone greater who can remind me that even when I stumble, everything will be alright, and that I am not condemned. I am simply loved.
And in the middle of all the chaos, the questions, and the quiet tears that no one sees, I’m slowly realizing that motherhood was never about having everything figured out, it’s about showing up every day with a heart that is willing to be stretched, corrected, and softened by God and maybe it’s in these very moments when I feel unprepared, overwhelmed, and even hurt that the Lord gently reminds me that I am not raising them alone, that His grace covers not only their mistakes but mine as well, and that His wisdom is made perfect in my weakness, so even when I don’t have the right words, the perfect response, or the strength to keep going, I can lean into Him and trust that He is shaping all of us together, teaching us how to love, how to forgive, and how to grow in ways only He can.
I am grateful for the opportunity to be a mom, but I am now at a point in my life where I am choosing not to have one of my own. I have come to accept that the path God has allowed me to walk has already given me a real and meaningful experience of motherhood in ways I never expected. And even though it has been both beautiful and overwhelming, I trust that where He has me now is still part of His purpose for my life, shaping me, teaching me love and grace, and drawing me closer to Him in ways I might not have learned otherwise.
“If any of you need wisdom, you should ask God, and it will be given to you. God is generous and won’t correct you for asking. “ – James 1:5, CEV
“We love because God loved us first.” – 1 John 4:19, CEV